Godly Conflict: Is There Such a Thing?
We’ve all been there. A friend, coworker, sibling, or stranger says something hurtful that makes you want to lash out. Your boss repeatedly adds responsibilities to your plate without asking if you can handle them. Your roommate or spouse left hair in the shower again even though it’s their turn to clean the bathroom. Conflict has a way of finding us, no matter where we are; and it can feel even trickier when you’re in a time of transition.
Transition is already uncomfortable without the added pressure of conflict. You are still finding your place, trying to build trust, and hoping people will see that you’re actually pretty cool. How do you tell your boss she’s wrong when your job experience is a whopping four days? What do you say to the roommate you just moved in with a month ago when he’s getting on your nerves?
If you’re anything like me, ‘conflict’ is nothing short of a curse word on your lips. It’s like that project you’re putting off or the ache in your tooth you’re pretending doesn’t hurt; it’s an inconvenience that must be avoided at all costs. Yet, inevitably, there comes a day when you can’t ignore it anymore.
I once put off a thirty minute conversation for eight months, all because I didn’t want to engage in conflict. The people I had asked to pray for me, the journal pages I had filled with processing, the anxiety that ruled my mind for months - all of it felt silly after I finally told my friend what was bothering me and we talked through it.
Conflict is one of those things in life that’s hard but necessary; and those two qualifiers usually mean God has something to say about it.
When I think of conflict in Scripture, my mind immediately goes to Paul’s letters to the early church. Anyone who romanticizes the early church clearly hasn’t read First or Second Corinthians! The earliest Christians were messy, arrogant, selfish people, just like us. They needed correction, which also means they needed conflict.
At the end of Paul’s lengthy address to the church in Corinth, he says,
“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.”
In other words, Paul recognized how conflict was helpful. Although Paul’s correction of the Corinthians was initially very painful, it eventually produced holiness, repentance, and godly sorrow that led to change.
What if we viewed conflict like that? Rather than treating it as an end to avoid, what if we recognized its ability to produce holiness in both us and our offender?
Please hear me correctly: this article is not to give you permission to start yelling at your coworkers or telling your brother every offense he has ever committed. Conflict for the sake of fighting is not part of God’s design. Instead, conflict should always be pursued for the purpose of sanctification. The difference between conflict and godly conflict is the latter intends to lead both parties closer to Christ.
Godly conflict seeks understanding. Godly conflict is for the sake of the other person. It is curious rather than accusatory; it seeks unity and reconciliation; it is not done to prove a point or force an apology, but to make the world look more like God intended. Godly conflict is worth our time because hate, strife, division, and unresolved anger have no place in the lives of Christ’s followers. Godly conflict is, above all else, an act of love.
So what does godly conflict look like in practice? Many people have developed methods for engaging in conflict, but one of my favorites is called Nonviolent Communication (NVC for short).
Nonviolent Communication Basics
Nonviolent communication aims to avoid the “blame game” by helping people take ownership of their own feelings. People can do and say hurtful things, but no one can make you feel anything; that is entirely up to your perception and experiences. NVC is a way to recognize how your perception of a situation has affected you, and then to communicate your experience to the other person in a way that is not accusatory.
Marshall B. Rosenberg writes on NVC, and he provides a four-part formula to use when you are planning for a conflict conversation. The four parts are observation, feeling, need/value, and request. He also provides helpful phrases for formulating each part of NVC into a conversation.
‘Observation’ is an opportunity for you to explain your experience. Remember, our experience and perception are not always reality. This stage allows you to express what you have noticed about a situation or a person’s behavior in an objective way. The phrase I suggest starting with is, “I’ve noticed recently _______,” then fill in the blank with your observation.
The second part is expressing ‘Feeling’. This is a chance for you to describe what emotions have come with your observation. One of the best tools you can use for this part is a feelings wheel, and you can find this with a quick Google search. A good phrase for this is, “When I see this, I feel _______”.
The most important aspect of this step is to make sure your feeling word is actually a feeling. We often say things like, “I felt threatened” or “I feel offended”; but notice that neither of these words are actually emotions. ‘Threaten’ and ‘offend’ are both verbs, not adjectives. If you find yourself reaching for verbs, ask yourself, “What do I feel when I sense I am being threatened/offended/etc.?” This will lead you to words like ‘afraid,’ ‘powerless,’ ‘frustrated,’ or ‘nervous’. Verbs will place the blame on the other person, but feeling words allow us to take ownership of our own emotions.
The third part of the NVC formula is ‘Need/Value’. This is an opportunity to explain why you feel the way you do. Conflict arises when another person betrays one of our values. If I start criticizing your favorite TV show, you will probably feel a little annoyed. This is because you value that TV show and the way it represents your personality. When formulating this part, it is best to connect it to your feeling phrase. So the full phrase for this portion of the formula would be, “I feel _______ because I value _______”.
The final part of NVC is ‘Request’. This is your chance to help the other person understand how he/she can care for you differently in the future. It’s not helpful to anyone if you explain what someone did wrong without offering a way for them to correct their behavior. Rather than a specific phrase for this part of NVC, there are guidelines for how to present a good request.
Use positive language that communicates what you want the other person to do rather than what you don’t want. In addition, be clear and specific; vague language will only result in confusion for both of you. Finally, make your request measurable. Don’t simply say, “Do better”. Instead, tell them how they can do better by reflecting on your specific needs and values and determining what actions would help you feel cared for.
This is just one method for engaging in conflict, but there may be another that feels more consistent with your personality. No matter what you use, the important thing is that you learn to deal with conflict. God used Paul to teach us that conflict can be helpful in leading others (and ourselves) to repentance and “godly sorrow” (2 Cor. 7:10). Conflict plays a major role in the pursuit of holiness, shalom, and unity, and for that reason we should not ignore it.
Whatever conversation you are avoiding, remember that you have a Great High Priest who is praying for you. You are not alone in the tension, nor are you alone as you discern your next steps. Lean on others, trust the Spirit in you, and know that godly conflict is possible.
Hallie Harrington is the Family Pastor at North Collins Wesleyan Church in Western New York. She enjoys teaching children and youth about God because of their sense of wonder and strong curiosity. She recently graduated with a Master’s in Practical Theology, and is pursuing ordination in the Wesleyan Church.